“Alleged” is Bullshit.

Specifically, let’s talk about the word “alleged.” How about some thought experiments?

Thought Experiment 1

It’s 1:00 AM. I’m walking down a street in Amherst, when suddenly, I’m grabbed by the collar and pulled into a dark alley. Some person in a hoodie throws me into a wall, punches me in the face (breaking my nose), throws me onto the ground, and grabs my wallet.

Just as the thief pulls my wallet out of my pocket, someone walks past the alley and sees us. Knowing the jig’s up, the thief bolts, and the bystander runs after them. During the chase, the thief throws my wallet into a random trash can, after which that wallet is never seen again. The bystander, who just so happens to be a badass, manages to tackle the thief and pin them to the ground until the police arrive.

Open-and-shut case. Sure, the suspect didn’t have my wallet on him, but in terms of evidence, there’s my broken nose, a caught suspect, a witness, and, well, my wallet’s obviously gone.

And as it turned out, the thief was Broseph McSwagster, a star for the Division I flexing team at UMass Amherst.

Let’s imagine what the headlines would be the next morning. Stuff like:

“Broseph McSwagster, UMass Amherst flexer, caught mugging local student.”

“UMass Amherst flexer arrested, charged with felony robbery.”

These headlines seem legit, right? How about these headlines?

“UMass flexer Broseph McSwagster faces five felony counts after allegedly mugging someone”

“UMass flexer Broseph McSwagster arrested after mugging allegations”

“Police report: Broseph McSwagster admits altercation, denies alleged mugging”

Uh…

You see, here’s the deal: It’s kinda obvious that Broseph McSwagster mugged me. Someone saw it. In fact, that person literally tackled McSwagster. And even if you want to debate whether our buddy Broseph is guilty in a criminal court, it’s even more obvious that I was mugged. I got a broken nose, and I don’t have my wallet.

What, do you think I punched myself in the face and threw away my wallet just so I could get back at this person I’ve never met before? Or that I’m just a masochist, and I just like getting beaten up in dark alleys? Or maybe you think I had picked a fight with him, and I’m just trying to justify the fact that I lost?

Sounds ridiculous, right? Broseph McSwagster beat the shit out of me, took my wallet, and got caught. Even if that sort of case isn’t open-and-shut enough for a guilty verdict, everyone knows that’s what happened.

Now, let’s go to…

Thought Experiment 2

It’s 1:00 AM. A woman is walking out of a party near the Stanford campus, when suddenly, she’s grabbed by the collar and pulled behind a house by some dude in a hoody, who rapes her.

In the middle of this, two people walk past the house and see the rapist. Knowing the jig’s up, the rapist bolts, and the bystanders run after them. These bystanders, who just so happen to be badasses, manage to tackle the rapist and pin him to the ground until the police arrive.

Open-and-shut case. Sure, let’s assume that there’s no evidence on the rapist himself that he’s, in fact, a rapist, but in terms of evidence, there’s still a caught suspect, two witnesses, and, well, a woman was raped. And as it turned out, the rapist was Brock Turner, a star swimmer for Stanford University.

Now, here’s where I admit to plagiarism: Except for the first headline, I stole the headlines I gave you from real news sources.

“Stanford swimmer arrested, charged with felony sex assault” (Mercury News, staff writers, 27 Jan 2015)

“Freshman swimmer Brock Turner faces five felony counts after alleged rape” (Stanford Daily, Alice Phillips and Joseph Beyda, 27 Jan 2015)

“Stanford freshman Brock Turner arrested after sexual assault allegations” (Swim Swam, Braden Keith, 30 Jan 2015)

“Police report: Brock Turner admits sexual contact, denies alleged rape” (Stanford Daily, Alice Phillips and Joseph Beyda, 29 Jan 2015)

(Kudos to Mercury News for not being totally terrible with their headline, although I wish they didn’t focus first on Turner’s swimming.)

You see, here’s the deal: It’s kinda obvious that Brock Turner raped that woman. People saw it. In fact, those people literally tackled Turner. And even if you want to debate whether this asshole Turner is guilty in the criminal court, it’s even more obvious that that woman was mugged. There were lacerations on her back, her clothing was ripped, and, well…read the letter.

What about rape makes it less believable than robbery?

I hear some of you saying, “innocent until proven guilty,” but although George Zimmerman was found not guilty in a criminal court, I think we can all agree he’s still a trigger-happy stain on morality. That rule may apply to criminal prosecution, but it has no real weight for news headlines. Stop kidding yourself.

I hear some other folks saying, “crime of passion,” but isn’t aggravated assault a crime of passion too? Let me know the next time you hear about someone “allegedly getting stabbed” after a heated argument.

“But Ajey, that rape victim was drunk and unconscious!” If I was blackout drunk when I got “mugged” at 1:00 AM, does that mean that I wasn’t really mugged? Oh, right, if I’m drunk enough, you can’t break my nose and steal my wallet.

Here’s the truth: Sexual assault is assault. But in contemporary American society, if your assault involved penises or vaginas (or sexuality in any way), whoops, it’s considered less real now. And that’s why sexual assaults are so often prefaced with that dreaded word, “alleged.”

“Alleged” protects the perpetrator. “Alleged” asks whether the victim is lying. “Alleged” blames the victim.

“Alleged” is bullshit.

The next time you hear a story about sexual assault, replace “rape” with “armed robbery” and see whether the wording still makes sense.