Trump Promises to Build Giant Net to Stop Zika from Spreading, Will Make Mosquitoes Pay for It

By Franklin Fidel
Miami, August 15, 2016: Speaking to a capacity crowd of elderly racists in South Florida, Presidential hopeful Donald Trump announced that he has a plan to contain the Zika virus, which has been found throughout Miami’s Wynwood Arts District.
“Folks, I’m going to stop the Zika. Stop the Zika,” the Republican nominee shouted, “and here is how we’re going to do it, folks. We’re going to build a net. A tremendous net. You’ve never seen a net this good. And we’re going to make the mosquitoes pay for it.”
“Build The Net! Build The Net!” the crowd started chanting.
“They are taking our jobs!” shouted retired post office worker Herbert Miller before being told by his wife Elaine that Mr. Trump was talking about mosquitoes and not Mexicans. “oh, well…Obama is a Muslim!” yelled the confused man.
Mr. Trump then assured the crowd that he was “the only one” that could stop the spread of the Zika virus. “You know who did this to you folks? Crooked Hillary Clinton. She started Zika. I mean, have you seen that video of her? There is a video of her, folks, of Crooked Hillary starting Zika, but the press, which has been so unfair to me, am I right? So unfair. The press doesn’t tell you that.”
“Lock Her Up! Lock Her Up!” chanted the crowd.
“She’s a terrorist! A god-damn terrorist,” screamed Mr. Miller, turning to his wife of 43-years. “She’s a terrorist, right Elaine? You believe that, right?” asked Mr. Miller. “Oh sure, dear,” said Mrs. Miller as she smiled at her lifelong love who had always been a bedrock of reason until he was diagnosed with the beginning stages of Alzheimer disease shortly after his 70th birthday. “She is a terrorist, and I love you very, very much,” replied Mrs. Miller as her husband stared in her eyes with a perplexed glare. Did he remember who she was? She wondered, but was too afraid to ask.
“Now, I don’t want mosquitoes around ME! I DON’T LIKE MOSQUITOES!” yelled Mr. Trump. “But if Hillary Clinton is elected there is going to be nothing you can do about it folks. Everyone will have the Zika. Well, maybe the Second Amendment People can do something about it,” quipped Mr. Trump before pretending he was holding an imaginary Tommy Gun in his hands, making rapid gunshot noises with his mouth, running one-finger across his neck with his tongue hanging out, and then throwing an imaginary grenade into the crowd and making an explosion noise into his microphone.
“Killery! Killery!” the crowd cheered gleefully.
“Elaine, where am I? What did that maniac just say?” asked a panicked Mr. Miller. “You’re at a Donald Trump rally, Herb. I think he just joked that the crowd should kill Hillary Clinton.”
“Oh my god, what are we doing here,” asked Mr. Miller. “This isn’t who I am, this isn’t who we are as a Country,” said the former Navy captain to Elaine, who, for the first time in months saw in her husband the decent and principled man with whom she had built a life. “I don’t know how long this clarity will last, Elaine. But you need to know that I have always loved you,” Mr. Miller somberly added.
“Oh, Herb. I know,” said Mrs. Miller, tears welling up in her eyes as she gazed into Herb’s and watched his expression as it began to change.
“A terrorists like Crooked Hillary can’t be allowed to be President!, right Elaine,” Mr. Miller asked his wife suddenly. “You are so right dear,” replied Elaine as she grabbed her husband’s wrinkled hand, grasped it tightly, and lovingly kissed his cheek.